between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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