Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
