I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
