I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Randomize
