I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
