Kiss
Puke
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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