I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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