I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
