I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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