U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
