I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Can I color on your dick again?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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