Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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