call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize