it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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