Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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