So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
