I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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