My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She even gives head with a lisp.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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