2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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