I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
