don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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