i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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