I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
