i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
