I cannot find my penis.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
