I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
