My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
True college students do jello shots in the library
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
