that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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