my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
