the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
