i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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