how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
