I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
