I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
