just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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