So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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