Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
