i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
