Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
