remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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