Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I puked a lego.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
