god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
