I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
