I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
