you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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