I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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