I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
