So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize