I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
