omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
