I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
