some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
not ubering you a puppy
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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