worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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