never play flip cup with pint glasses
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
