Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
