I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
