i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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