I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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