and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
