i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
