At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
