3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
