maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
