Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
